Failure & Alcohol

There have been cocktails galore since the revelation of another failed cycle. It's hard to explain the sense of loss I feel.  The crappy thing about consciously TTC is that you have to pretend you are pregnant for two weeks, and you start to believe it. You start to imagine that there is a being growing in there, that everything you do might affect that tiny existence, that the love of your life is forming in your womb. A true feeling of loss comes with the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. A lost opportunity, a lost life, and failure...lots and lots of failure. Speak to any woman struggling with infertility and *feel* her overwhelming failure, as a planner, as a mother, as a human, as a woman.

The amazing thing is how quickly we bounce back and take on the next cycle. This one is a little different since I have to take a month off due to travel schedules, but if I was inseminating this cycle, I'd already be on my next round of clomid and scheduling ultrasounds. The collective sadness does add up, and doesn't dissipate with a new round of trying, but I *KNOW* that it will all be worth it in the end, and that my kiddos will know without a doubt how wanted they were.....are.

Quickie.... wait.. not that kind.

I go for ultrasound number two in about an hour. Setting my intentions for multiple mature follicles with happy little eggs inside them, and clarity on when to use the trigger shot.

Fingers crossed y'all (hell, cross EVERYTHING)