You. GUYS! There is something SO exciting going on (no, I'm not pregnant) that I CANNOT wait to tell you about (nope, still not pregnant). The most AMAZING news (guess what, I'm. Not. Pregnant). It's gonna be like "Hai, the best news EVAH" (except the one when I finally get to tell y'all that I'm pregnant), and I can't wait to share my super duper exciting news (even though it's not that I'm pregnant).
So the first time I was pregnant (briefly) I got a couple of early gifts, the cutest pair of shoes from a sweet sweet friend who knew we had been trying, and a blanket & onesie from my Mom. After the miscarriage I just stuck them in a shoebox in the top of the closet thinking we'd need them again in a couple of months. Two years later the box is still there, and has graduated from a shoebox to a small rubbermaid bin. It's filled with tiny little treasures for the future. A few little outfits and trinkets that I just couldn't pass up. I know when the time comes, I will relish the taking down of the box that stares at me from the top of the closet. *it's kind of a jerk like that.....staring and flaunting and such*
It was bigtime baby shower weekend, but IT. IS. OVER. 3 of 3 yoga babies have now been showered. Actually, since the baby was already out of the bump, we hosted a "Sip & See". It was just me and yoga friend one hosting, so there was lots of running around like banshees, but it's done and turned out nice. We had an embarrassing amount of food, and tons of leftovers, but everyone was pleased.
Of course, there were THREE preggo mommas, one newborn (the showered one) and one 4 month old in attendance. I was the only one there not pregnant, or already a mother. It usually just depends on the day/situation how upsetting things like this are. Sometimes I'm totally good and don't feel like shanking someone, or myself, and other days it's best if I stay away from sharp objects. I did, however, cut the cake without any mishaps....
Saturday was a shank kind of day. Not only were the pregnant ones pregnant, the were ADORABLE, and all of the mom's were so put together and talking of private schools, and nannies, and their perfectly smart, social, and athletic kiddos. I had sweaty, melting, hot flashes when anyone (read: everyone) asked me if I had kids. "No, but hopefully soon" I'd squeak out through my panic attack. What a day to forget my handy prison made plastic spork of a shank.....
It's been a rough couple of weeks in the bun in my oven department....just trying to get a plan for next cycle, but I feel like there are no more tricks up my sleeve. My donor is retired (again), so my choices are the one vial I have left of him, or starting all over (again), but I'm not sure that is an option this month financially. Hopefully we'll be back to happier posts soon, in the meantime, thanks for reading friends.
Just home from sunny Key West. Vacation was mostly a success and it made this "off" cycle go by pretty quickly.
I sure wish I had been able to avoid the Clomid "holy moly it's like I'm gaining weight just siting here" experience. My bikini didn't look like it belonged, but I drowned my sorrows in oysters and vodka. ::it worked::
I'm having an unanticipated reaction from the hCG trigger shot (I think). I've developed a bunch of really prominent dark spots/freckles on my hands, that (of course) are getting worse in the sun. After I miscarried I had a really dark patch on my upper lip (lovely) that fades if I stay out of the sun, but still gets really dark without sunscreen. I'm a little surprised that one short dose of hCG would do this....but there isn't any other explanation.
I snorkeled, and realized that I am a huge chicken shit. I was afraid of *everything*. Like full on panic attack afraid *and this was before the talk of octopus and sting rays and sharks*. I wasn't a scaredy cat kiddo, but the older I get, the more afraid I am of all sorts of stuff. (maybe I'm just getting smarter)
I didn't like anything about being dropped off as shark bait in the middle of the flipping ocean. It didn't matter one bit that thousands of kids swim, snorkel, SCUBA, and generally run amuck there all year... I. Was. Terrified. Nobody else on the boat was afraid, they were jumping in chasing fish with nets, diving down to get a closer look at the sea floor, and venturing into the Mangroves for more adventure. I was swimming in a tiny little circle in five feet deep water trying to think happy thoughts.
The Point: I hope I can keep myself together enough to not breed scaredy cats. I don't want my kids to be afraid, I want them to seek out knowledge and adventure without being paralyzed by "what ifs". Of course, I think is necessary to have a healthy fear of situations that can be dangerous (i.e. the ocean and it's inhabitants) but I don't want my kids to miss out on amazing things because they were too afraid to try something new. I did see one *HUMONGOUS* barracuda that no one else did (I swear, I SWEAR), and lots of smaller ones, but I was mostly thinking of swarms of jellyfish, viscous sting rays, electric eels as big as me, and lion-fish....lots and lots of lion-fish *with the jaws theme playing in the background of my feeble little brain*.
I want my children to be the ones running around like little crazy people to SEE more, DO more, and BE more.
Not because some of these things aren't valid points, but because they are hard to hear/annoying/upsetting to folks struggling with infertility.
1.Just stop trying, It WILL HAPPEN! (Trust me, unless we are expecting me to have the next miraculous conception, IT WON'T HAPPEN.)
2. When it's God's will.... (and when it's God's will can the house be clean? Will the lawn be mowed? Will we win the lotto? Can I just sit around and wait in the meantime?)
3.When it's meant to be, it will be. (Yeah, que sera sera, once again, should we just sit around and wait?)
4.Maybe it's just not meant to be? (Wow. Thanks. Because you know, my hope isn't fragile enough already. *now where did I put that butter knife....*)
5. Oh, that's too bad! Gosh, it wasn't hard for us at all! We have more kids than we know what to do with! (While I'm super glad you didn't struggle like this, don't rub it in asshole)
6. You must not be doing something right. (Stop. It.)
7. You need to gain ten pounds to get pregnant. (Because I could lose weight if I tried with all of these fertility drugs....)
8. FERTILITY DRUGS!?! You are going to end up like that Octomom!! (No one has offered me $500,000.00 for a one hour porn flick, so no, I'm not Octomom)
9. Maybe you should wait awhile, take some time off? (Every single day is a wait, every cycle is an eternity, and my biological clock is ticking so loudly I can't hear myself think)
10. Take my two year old for a day and you'll change your mind about wanting kids! (Be. Grateful.)
11. I *hate* being pregnant, I'm so fat, blah blah. Oh this newborn stuff is for the birds, I'm so tired, all they do is eat, poop, and cry blah blah. (While these are valid complaints, issues, struggles, it's not something that TTC women/couples want or need to hear. They would trade places with you in a heartbeat, plus it could possibly make them stabby)
Of course there are exceptions, and most anything you say, if you are genuinely trying to be helpful and supportive, will be appreciated, but mostly we just need encouragement, support, and understanding.
There have been cocktails galore since the revelation of another failed cycle. It's hard to explain the sense of loss I feel. The crappy thing about consciously TTC is that you have to pretend you are pregnant for two weeks, and you start to believe it. You start to imagine that there is a being growing in there, that everything you do might affect that tiny existence, that the love of your life is forming in your womb. A true feeling of loss comes with the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. A lost opportunity, a lost life, and failure...lots and lots of failure. Speak to any woman struggling with infertility and *feel* her overwhelming failure, as a planner, as a mother, as a human, as a woman.
The amazing thing is how quickly we bounce back and take on the next cycle. This one is a little different since I have to take a month off due to travel schedules, but if I was inseminating this cycle, I'd already be on my next round of clomid and scheduling ultrasounds. The collective sadness does add up, and doesn't dissipate with a new round of trying, but I *KNOW* that it will all be worth it in the end, and that my kiddos will know without a doubt how wanted they were.....are.