The Point. *Insert Jaws Theme*

Just home from sunny Key West. Vacation was mostly a success and it made this "off" cycle go by pretty quickly.

I sure wish I had been able to avoid the Clomid "holy moly it's like I'm gaining weight just siting here" experience.  My bikini didn't look like it belonged, but I drowned my sorrows in oysters and vodka. ::it worked::

I'm having an unanticipated reaction from the hCG trigger shot (I think). I've developed a bunch of really prominent dark spots/freckles on my hands, that (of course) are getting worse in the sun. After I miscarried I had a really dark patch on my upper lip (lovely) that fades if I stay out of the sun, but still gets really dark without sunscreen. I'm a little surprised that one short dose of hCG would do this....but there isn't any other explanation.

I snorkeled, and realized that I am a huge chicken shit. I was afraid of *everything*. Like full on panic attack afraid *and this was before the talk of octopus and sting rays and sharks*. I wasn't a scaredy cat kiddo, but the older I get, the more afraid I am of all sorts of stuff. (maybe I'm just getting smarter)

I didn't like anything about being dropped off as shark bait in the middle of the flipping ocean. It didn't matter one bit that thousands of kids swim, snorkel, SCUBA, and generally run amuck there all year... I. Was. Terrified. Nobody else on the boat was afraid, they were jumping in chasing fish with nets, diving down to get a closer look at the sea floor, and venturing into the Mangroves for more adventure. I was swimming in a tiny little circle in five feet deep water trying to think happy thoughts.

The Point: I hope I can keep myself together enough to not breed scaredy cats. I don't want my kids to be afraid, I want them to seek out knowledge and adventure without being paralyzed by "what ifs". Of course, I think is necessary to have a healthy fear of situations that can be dangerous (i.e. the ocean and it's inhabitants) but I don't want my kids to miss out on amazing things because they were too afraid to try something new. I did see one *HUMONGOUS* barracuda that no one else did (I swear, I SWEAR), and lots of smaller ones, but I was mostly thinking of swarms of jellyfish, viscous sting rays, electric eels as big as me, and lion-fish....lots and lots of lion-fish *with the jaws theme playing in the background of my feeble little brain*.

I want my children to be the ones running around like little crazy people to SEE more, DO more, and BE more.

Things NOT to Say to People Trying to Conceive

Not because some of these things aren't valid points, but because they are hard to hear/annoying/upsetting to folks struggling with infertility. 

1. Just stop trying, It WILL HAPPEN! 
(Trust me, unless we are expecting me to have the next miraculous conception, IT WON'T HAPPEN.)

2. When it's God's will....
(and when it's God's will can the house be clean? Will the lawn be mowed? Will we win the lotto? Can I just sit around and wait in the meantime?)

3. When it's meant to be, it will be.
(Yeah, que sera sera, once again, should we just sit around and wait?)

4. Maybe it's just not meant to be?
(Wow. Thanks. Because you know, my hope isn't fragile enough already.     *now where did I put that butter knife....*)

5. Oh, that's too bad! Gosh, it wasn't hard for us at all! We have more kids than we know what to do with!
(While I'm super glad you didn't struggle like this, don't rub it in asshole)

6. You must not be doing something right. 
(Stop. It.)

7.  You need to gain ten pounds to get pregnant.
(Because I could lose weight if I tried with all of these fertility drugs....)

8. FERTILITY DRUGS!?! You are going to end up like that Octomom!!
(No one has offered me $500,000.00 for a one hour porn flick, so no, I'm     not Octomom)

9. Maybe you should wait awhile, take some time off?
(Every single day is a wait, every cycle is an eternity, and my biological clock is ticking so loudly I can't hear myself think)

10. Take my two year old for a day and you'll change your mind about     wanting kids!
(Be. Grateful.)

11. I *hate* being pregnant, I'm so fat, blah blah. Oh this newborn stuff      is for the birds, I'm so tired, all they do is eat, poop, and cry blah blah.
(While these are valid complaints, issues, struggles, it's not something that TTC women/couples want or need to hear. They would trade places with you in a heartbeat, plus it could possibly make them stabby)

Of course there are exceptions, and most anything you say, if you are genuinely trying to be helpful and supportive, will be appreciated, but mostly we just need encouragement, support, and understanding. 

Failure & Alcohol

There have been cocktails galore since the revelation of another failed cycle. It's hard to explain the sense of loss I feel.  The crappy thing about consciously TTC is that you have to pretend you are pregnant for two weeks, and you start to believe it. You start to imagine that there is a being growing in there, that everything you do might affect that tiny existence, that the love of your life is forming in your womb. A true feeling of loss comes with the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. A lost opportunity, a lost life, and failure...lots and lots of failure. Speak to any woman struggling with infertility and *feel* her overwhelming failure, as a planner, as a mother, as a human, as a woman.

The amazing thing is how quickly we bounce back and take on the next cycle. This one is a little different since I have to take a month off due to travel schedules, but if I was inseminating this cycle, I'd already be on my next round of clomid and scheduling ultrasounds. The collective sadness does add up, and doesn't dissipate with a new round of trying, but I *KNOW* that it will all be worth it in the end, and that my kiddos will know without a doubt how wanted they were.....are.

You Know What....

Now that I have figured out that my house flooded twice for no reason, my bathtubs filled up with poop TWICE for no reason, and my bunny died in vain, I'm pretty pissed about this whole infertility thing.

Reset Button

Well, my body hit the reset button today. No bun in my oven this month, on to a new cycle. Cycle day 1 is never a happy place, but here I sit at CD 1.

Wordless Wednesday: Unpacking The Goods

22 lb tank / (3 vials) 0.5 ml frozen, washed sperm.

Shipping $220.00 / Sperm $2,025.00

Stat Update: Not Great News

My temperature completely crashed this morning, which means CD 1 is on it's way soon. I was cautiously optimistic yesterday when it was SO high and I had some signs I thought could be early pregnancy. There is just nothing like this kind of disappointment.

Everything You Want To Know About My Sperm Donor

There are a couple of reasons I'm nervous about this post, but I'm throwing caution to the hyenas and going for it. The world of sperm donors and frozen sperm is crazy, big, overwhelming, odd, and....kinda funny. We've talked a little about the process already here, so you might want to check that out first if you're just getting on the ride.

I've had two donors in two years, one for the majority of the time that I was IN LOVE with (yeah, I'll explain), but he retired (yes, that's what they call it) and so for this last cycle I had to switch to a new donor, much to my dismay. It was like an epiphany when I found my first donor #3804. He was tall and blond, blue eyed, smart, with both math/science, and an art background. He has his own business as an architect, and had the cutest baby picture I had EVER seen. His final answer on the long profile was the last straw. He talked about the birth of his son with his wife, and what a profound experience it was. He wanted other women/couples to be able to experience that. I felt like I knew this amazing guy, and he was going to be my baby daddy. I was so dead set on him, but after the first miscarriage was never able to get a positive pregnancy with him again.  Once a donor turns thirty five, they are required to retire (some lose interest and retire well before that). Unfortunately, after two years of trying, I used the last of my golden stock, and had to sit down and pick a new donor.

Donor searches are insane. You can search by anything you can imagine, height, weight, eye color, ancestry, hair color, profession, ethnicity, anything. I wanted a donor who had some of the traits that I do, but had traits that will compliment my strengths and weaknesses too. Also, let's be honest, I'm breeding an athlete here. *grabs ball and glove*. I'm tall, athletic, and creative/artistic, but my math and science skills are weak, so I looked at tall, fair haired donors, who had some sort of interest in the arts, but possessed  pretty significant math and science skills. It's hard (really hard) not to get caught up in "oh but his brother had acne", or "his mother was big boned", but eventually, after many lists, you sort out what's really important, and what's not. The awesome thing about sperm banks is the testing. They test for genetic and chromosomal abnormalities, on top of the regular sperm health and motility testing. They say less than 10% of the applicants for donation are excepted. They look closely into family medical history, and even education level and GPA. As I mentioned above, their answer to that long profile question, "Why Did You Become A Donor" plays a big part in my decisions.

We don't get to see adult pictures, names, addresses, contact info or any of that good stuff that could allow us to be complete stalkers (which I totally would be), but we do have access to a short profile, long profile, staff impression, personality test, facial feature summary, even handwriting analysis and audio interview. Some of the basic things you can peek at for free, but the more detailed aspects, you have to pay for (of course)


Let's look at some examples from my current donor #12154. (You may have to zoom a bit to read the specifics, sorry I couldn't make it any bigger) :(


Staff Impressions: Sometimes these are super helpful, and sometimes (like in this case) not. Usually they are really detailed, it just depends on who wrote it I suppose.

The Short Profile: This gives you a lot of information, it's free, and can help weed out donors quickly. Basically, it's the first two pages of the long profile. It tells you height, weight, eye color, blood type, ethnicity, profession, GPA, and answers a few basic like/dislike questions.

(Yeah, 6'3'' / 220 lbs, we'd better hope I've got some birthing hips)

Lots of good answers here, seems pretty well rounded, that's what I'm huntin. 

The Long Profile: It's basically a continuation of the short profile, and deals mostly with family medical history. A page is dedicated to each family member, starting with immediate, and going back to great grandparents, and out to aunts and uncles. It also talks about environmental hazards the donor may have been exposed to, and the donor's fertility history. Here is an example of one family member page. 

                  

There is also a huge grid for family medical history that covers everything from mental/emotional disorders to breast cancer and heart disease. This page even shows the medical history of first cousins. It's really easy to read and helpful to see what conditions might run in the family. 

Baby Picture: These are usually hilarious. The kind of picture that your mom shows to your prom date when you're 16. My first donor's was heartbreakingly cute, but since we are talking about the current donor, who is pretty darn cute too, in a Michelin Man sorta way, here ya go. 

The last part of the basic information package is the Donor Essay. This is a more in depth question and answer page. I love that we get to see the handwriting of the donor on all of this (gotta watch out for that serial killer handwriting), and any misspellings or mistakes they make. *no pressure guys*. I think this is the page that really gives you a feel for what type of person they are/will be. 

LOVE it. This is the guy for me :)

Sweet Bun Bun

A sad day here. We lost our little fur baby Bunny Coco last night. Not sure what happened, she was great last night, and Miss Scarlett seems fine, but she was laying peacefully gone in the sun this morning. I hope she didn't suffer. Miss Scarlett is going to be so lonely, they *loved* each other. 

Miss Scarlett is going to be lonely without her bun bun.

And yes, there *is* an old wives tale about bunnies dying and pregnancy, but I sure would have rather had anything else happen. She was a good, sweet fur baby and she will be missed. 

RIP CoCo

Stat Update: For Those Of Us Keeping Track

My temps are continuing to look good. Let's all keep our little piggies crossed that that dot stays above the red line! If that little dip was at 8 DPO instead of 5 DPO, I'd be jumping up and down for an "implantation dip", but 5 DPO is probably too early for that (however not TOTALLY out of the question). Lots of women have a dip on the day of implantation, but that normally happens anywhere from 7- 12 DPO (although it *can* happen before or after that).

Also, my Progesterone level was GREAT at 58.5! We need it to stay UP UP UP!

We needed it to at the very least fall in the "Luteal Phase" Reference Ranges. We know by the super high number that there were multiple eggs released and there are multiple corpus luteum crankin out that progesterone. HooRAY!!!

Fertility Juju

Trying to conceive has been a complete emotional roller coaster. I would assume this is the case for most women/couples in this position. You go through a whole host of emotions, hormonal fluxes, frustrations, elations, and desperations during this process.  No matter how long or short, I feel like the struggles are the same. 

At some point, you become desperate. Desperate for comfort, for good news, for distraction, sometimes just desperate for something new to focus on. 

Somewhere along the way I started researching fertility symbols, omens, myths, practices, etc. I spoke to some friends that have lots of worldly knowledge in those areas, and got all KINDS of fun information. 

Fish-- 

The fish is pretty universal fertility symbol. For a fertility charm, it should be a non-violent fish (that's right, no knife wielding gangsta fish welcome folks) and not have sharp or pointy fins. Koi are a pretty common example of a fertility fish. 


Luckily my amazingly talented friend Julie over at SilverSmyth.com welcomed the challenge of creating a custom fertility fish charm for me. It's the most awesome thing EVAH and has been such a source of comfort hanging solidly around my neck. I found a fertility chant/prayer/poem for the back, which ended up being waaaay too long, but she surprised me and got the most important part engraved on the back. SilverSmyth FOR. THE. WIN. 

Mother of Pearl--

Mother of Pearl has long been a symbol of fertility and rebirth. It is formed on the insides of oyster shells and aids in the natural pearl making process. Most things I've read refer to MOP "disks" but I'm assuming MOP in any form would work. About the time I set out for a really special mother of pearl something for my fertility charm collection, my grandmother gave me some old jewelry. At the very bottom of the box was a single mother of pearl cuff link. Perfect.


Throughout history cultures have look to everything from cats, to rabbits to frogs (oh my) even peacocks for fertilty. Cats and rabbits because they are so ridiculously fertile (bunnies can have a litter ever 28 days) and frogs/toads/and other swimmy slimy things because of their correlation to water. 


Ahhhhh water. Water is the ultimate fertility symbol. It gives life, washes away the old and sprouts the new. Provides nourishment for every living aspect of our world. For centuries people have acknowledged the link between water and fertility.


I live in the desert. 


Then my house flooded.... 
and then it flooded again, in the same week....
and then it rained BUCKET LOADS, and guess what??


My house flooded again. 


BIG TIME. 


It's been a water filled week, here's hoping something will come out of it besides....well.....water. 


** You can follow Julie on Twitter @SilverSmyth she does AMAZING work, or you can check her out here.

Wordless Wednesday-Sweet Baby Boy Time

Dragging Tail (Not To Be Confused With "Dragon Tails")

Today I'm 6 DPO (days past ovulation) and that could be construed as insignificant, but that's just mean to all of those 6's out there, so let me tell you *why* today is important in the grand TTC scheme of things.

Progesterone.

Progesterone is made by the corpus luteum, the left over part of the follicle that released that little eggy six days ago, and it is responsible for keeping the uterus from shedding it's lining too early. Your progesterone peaks at about 7 DPO, and then decreases after that crashing a day or so before your period. If you are pregnant, your progesterone levels get steadily higher throughout pregnancy.

It is pretty standard for women involved in fertility treatments to have a CD 21/ 7 DPO progesterone level test. If your progesterone is low, or crashes to early, your uterus will shed it's lining (aka you'll start your period) before an egg ever has a change to implant. SO even if fertilization *did* take place, your luteal phase will be too short, and it won't get to stick. Women with low CD 21 levels will be put on a progesterone supplement to hold off Aunt Flo until further notice. Some doctors will keep a woman on progesterone supplements throughout early pregnancy to prevent a miscarriage from low progesterone levels.

NOW, since progesterone *is* one of the pregnancy hormones, when it surges after ovulation expect to feel some of those much coveted pregnancy symptoms, pregnant or not. Fatigue, vivid dreams, odd cravings, interesting digestion. Once you know what to look for you can almost feel your body bogged down with it on 5/6/7 DPO.

Lo and behold I could barely drag my tail outta bed this morning, and I feel like I could eat an entire jar of pickled jalepenos for breakfast. As much as I would love to think that these could be "OMG EARLY PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS!!" It's more likely another form of good news, that my progesterone is starting to surge, and my levels will be high enough after my test tomorrow. Fingers crossed y'all, progesterone suppositories DO NOT sound fun.

Now, with Clomid (or any other stimulating medication) since there will most likely be multiple follicles, there will be multiple eggs released, ad therefore multiple corpus luteums working. This can result in super high progesterone levels. A few months ago I had a CD 21 progesterone test and my levels were that of a 2 trimester pregnant woman. Good thing no eggs stuck that month, sounds like I would have had an army.

I'll have my blood drawn first thing in the morning, and the results first thing Friday, so lets all think happy, high progesterone thoughts shall we?

Puffy Bunny Biscuits

There are lots of reasons I think I'll be a good Mom:

∞ I was lucky enough to grow up in a family full of *unconditional love*. I didn't realize until I was older how A) Important this was and B) that not everyone grows up this way. My family was very affectionate and vocal about their feelings, and I can never remember not feeling 100% loved. I realize now how huge this is, and that it shaped every future relationship and friendship in a positive way. I know no matter how sad, mad, or disappointed I am in my kids, they will know, without hesitation, that they are loved.

∞ I can say "I'm proud of you". I think this is one of the most important things (second only to "I love you") that a parent can say to their kids. I can remember several specific events that my parents told me they were proud of me, and the confidence that gave me.

∞ I believe in the value of hard work. Inside work, outside work, manual labor, boy work, girl work, and sweat equity. I hope I can show my kids the rewards of working towards a goal.

∞ I laugh. A lot.

∞ I'm creative. I like to think outside the box.

∞ I am a problem solver. Tell me something is impossible, or that I can't do it, then hide and watch me. I'll rig up something the likes of which you've never seen to get the job done. It might take twice as long as calling someone for assistance, but so help me, I'll figure it out.

∞ I'm not a quitter.

∞ I'm not perfect, and my kids won't be either, and I'm okay with that.

∞ I take the time to cut out bunny shaped Bisquick biscuits for breakfast when I *don't* have kids.

There are some things that I think I'll struggle with too (but I'm working on it): 

∞ I'm not patient. Not just not patient in a "lose my temper" way, but in a "I HATE waiting" way.  I worry how I'll deal with a purple incessantly crying one month old, and a screaming, hitting two year old, and a smart mouthed 13-20 year old. I also wonder if I'll be able to slow myself down enough to not rush my kids through life, and through important moments. If I'll be able to wait for them to figure something out on their own without dashing in to do it for them.

∞ I'm very competitive, probably to a fault. I hope I can instill a *healthy* sense of competition in my kids, without pushing or pressuring them. I hope I can encourage them in things they are naturally good at, and not push them to excel at things they aren't good at or don't enjoy. This is going to be a struggle for me. I don't want to be one of those parents who live vicariously through their kids.

∞ I have high expectations, of myself as a parent, and of my kids as kids/adults/and human beings. I would rather have it this way than the other way around, but I know I may have to adjust my goals and expectations..........daily.

∞ I'm a huge people pleaser, and don't have a great sense of boundaries. I hope I can do better and teach my kids to be strong and stick to their guns.


I think the good will outweigh the bad, and I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I'm up for the challenge. I can't wait to get my chance. 

If It Changes Colors, I'll Pee On It

As promised, a POAS (pee on a stick) gallery!

Quick Aside: The poop came back, not anywhere close to as bad as last time, but still. Nobody in the house can smell the sewer but me, I wonder if it is the hCG still in my system from the shot? Odd. If you are really confused, you'll need to see this and possibly this.

Ok, SO I use two different types of urine OPKs. The Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, which looks like this --------------------------------------------------->

And the Clear Blue Easy Digital, which looks like this ------------------------------------------------------->



The monitor is a long term process, it takes the first morning urine and tests for both estrogen changes and LH changes. It also stores your data each month and therefore gets more accurate to your individual cycle the more you use it. The picture above shows three things: 1. It's cycle day one 2. It's at "low" fertility 3. The "M" means it's a menstrual cycle day. Every morning you turn it on and it shows the cycle day, and then tells you whether it's a test day or not. During your period it doesn't ask you to test, and then starting CD 6 or 7 (depending on previous cycles) it starts giving flashing the "test" sign. You pee on a stick, insert it into the monitor, and in about 5 minutes it gives the result. One bar = Low, two bars= High, three bars (with a little egg in the middle) = Peak. There are two test lines on the stick, and though they say that it can't be read by the human eye, it can. With the wick end to the left, the LH line is the first one, and gets darker for your surge. The estrogen line is the second one and starts out dark to get lighter as your estrogen rises. Here is an example of a "low" stick.

As the estrogen line gets lighter (meaning higher levels) the monitor switches from "low" to "high". Here is an example of a "high" stick. The LH line is still non-existent, but the estrogen line has faded just a little. 

Anyway, you can see on this one that the estrogen line is almost all the way gone, but there still isn't an LH line.

(Aside: I'm not real sure WHAT happened with the boy/girl background colors, but I swear it was not intentional.)

And then FINALLY (after the trigger shot)

We get a "Peak".  See how the LH line is finally there, and the estrogen one isn't? Three bars AND an eggy is a happy, happy thing to see. 

Mmmkay, on the the smiley face one. This one doesn't store your information, nor does it test estrogen levels. It can *only* detect an LH surge. Again with the wick to the left, it has a test line (first) and a control line (second). You get a positive when you get two lines (just like with a pregnancy test). Once again, you are not supposed to read them with the naked eye, but I've found you *can* see subtle changes in the lines as the test gets closer to positive. Once your LH surges you get a smiley face, which again, is a great thing to see and is usually followed by a run around the house happy dance. Here's a positive stick followed by the much coveted smiley face.

WOOT WOOT!!!!!

The smiley test does not have to be first morning urine, and since A) I have to hunt my LH surge like Wiley Coyote hunts that RoadRunner and B) Sometimes a surge can be short, and if you only test in the morning there is a change you could miss it, I usually use this test in the afternoon, and sometimes even two times a day if I think I'm close to ovulation. Even with ALL of this peeing on sticks, there have been plenty of months that I never get a peak, or a smiley. I can't give you a good explanation, and it's infuriating and stressful, but the months I do get a positive OPK, it's cause for a party, or at least a happy dance for sure. 

What's Done is Done

Officially "waiting to know". It's gonna be a long two weeks folks.

Second insemination yesterday didn't go super smooth, in fact, it was probably the worst one ever (of course because it was the magic "36 hours post trigger" one). My goal was to be peaceful and calm, and I wound up bursting into tears at the technical difficulties. I use these TomCat Catheters that are attached to the end of a syringe. The length enables the deposit of sperm all the way into the uterus ideally as close as possible to the fallopian tubes. This is easier said than done. Depending on the angle of the cervix and the uterus the angle can be a little difficult. Such was the case yesterday. I had terrible cramping afterward, and basically spent the remainder of the day in bed because A) It stormed super bad the night before and there was very little sleep so I was exhausted and B) I was cramping like a son of a biscuit eater.

By evening I felt better, and I'm almost back to normal this morning. I hope that that cramping was sperm swimming up and eggs coming down as opposed to angry uterus spitting out everything that went in there. My cervix was already almost closed for this insemination, so I elected to not move forward with a third one. I'm hoping the last vial can make it back to Cali intact with the holiday weekend.

Holy temp spike batman this morning, which I was relieved to see. Here's this months chart so far; see the drop yesterday and then the significant rise today? This is exactly what we want, and now we need it to stay that high or higher for the next, oh, nine months or so....

I have a great pee stick post for y'all in the next few days *I know, you're holding your breath* 

So stay tuned! I'm not sure how great I feel about the insems, or my chances this month, but I'm going with the mantra from one of the lovely ladies on my TTC forum. 

"I am pregnant until proven otherwise."

Chillin With My Legs In The Air

One insemination down, two to go! I'll post pictures (don't worry, no girly bits) of the process tomorrow, but for tonight I'm going to take it easy and think fertile thoughts!

I noticed yesterday that I had the sweetest feeling while looking at the ultrasound screen. I guess I realized that one of those little eggies I was watching in there *would be* my baby, and I already love it so much. It may not be this month, or even this year, but my little peanut is in there somewhere waiting for just the right moment.

Today Is A Good Day Even If It *Is* Thursday

Things that are exciting about today:

∞ If I peed on a pregnancy test it would be positive because I got an hCG trigger shot in my right booty last night, and have 10,000 units of hCG swimming around in there  *sticks out tongue*

∞ I got an hCG trigger shot in my right booty last night.

∞ We'll do the first insemination this evening!

∞ I have a plan and I'm not worried or stressed about the timing.

∞ I get to open the sperm box and take pictures for y'all today.

∞ Tomorrow is Friday and I have a nice long weekend to rest and concentrate on, you know,  creating human life ;)

∞ I have THREE count em THREE vials of sperm and can spread them out over 36 hours instead of trying to guess with one attempt.

∞ I feel really peaceful.

The shot wasn't bad at all, just a little soreness after but all in all very bearable. I'll have some wacky pregnancy hormone/symptoms side effect for the next 2 weeks, but *hopefully* my body will get so used to that good stuff it will decided to keep a little bean around to make some more!

****Turns out waking up with the hormones of a 6-8 week pregnant chick is a little tiresome, there may have to be a nap in my future...

Quickie.... wait.. not that kind.

I go for ultrasound number two in about an hour. Setting my intentions for multiple mature follicles with happy little eggs inside them, and clarity on when to use the trigger shot.

Fingers crossed y'all (hell, cross EVERYTHING)